ItsGeekToMe.co

There have been some amazing developments in the world of tech this week, Geeks!  Let’s take a quick look at some of what’s making news.

In what is sure to cause ripples through the computer industry for years to come, Apple Inc. CEO Tim Cook announced that his company has pushed through a successful takeover of longtime competitor, Microsoft Corp.  This deal comes on the heels of Apple’s launch of its newest iPad device, and a valuation of over a half-billion dollars, making it the most valuable company in the galaxy.  In a prepared statement, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said, “It’s just not worth it anymore.  I mean, how can we possibly compete that that?  I’m so tired.”  With the halls of the press conference still echoing with the news, the company’s board of directors had already made application to the Securities and Exchange Commission for the change, including the company’s proposed new NASDAQ symbol: MICRAP.  Pending SEC approval of the deal, estimated at some 300 Billion dollars, the changeover could be finalized as early as June, leaving Apple executives scrambling to chart a course forward for the soon-to-be ultra-massive technology conglomerate.  Rumors are rampant on the blogosphere, but this column doesn’t rely on such unreliable sources for information.  I.G.T.M.’s exclusive connections to industry insiders reveal that Microsoft’s flagship Windows product line will be renamed to a more Apple-like “iWindows”, with the upcoming release of Win 8 being re-branded to simply “The New iWindows”.  The future of other former Microsoft products is not so certain, though there is a fairly good chance the world will soon be welcoming all new versions of Micr-Ap iOffice, iXbox, and the now even more awkwardly named iInternet Explorer.  Geeks, um, I mean iGeeks, be sure and iWatch this iSpace for more iNews about this iStory as it iDevelops.

In other news, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) announced an innovative project to thwart cyber-crime:  They plan to revoke the IP addresses of up to 75% of the so-called “backbone” computers on the Internet, thereby shutting-down large segments across the globe.  The overall goal is to reduce the speed of the Internet to pre-1987 levels, according to Peter Thrush, Chairman of ICANN’s board of directors.  Thrush had this to say, “The Internet has become one giant cesspool of pornography and SPAM.  We believe that the large amount of available bandwidth is the primary cause for the current spate of criminal cyber-activity.  We will reduce the speed of the Internet to that of the ‘80’s, and we are confident that will result in a corresponding drop in cyber-crime to levels contemporary with that era.”  It should be noted that 1987 is when the very first high speed backbone was created for the Internet, connecting 170 smaller networks together on a backbone running at 1.54 megabits per second – a speed equivalent to roughly one half to one tenth of a typical modern home connection.  Thrush explained that reducing the “Information Superhighway” to an “Information Dirt Country Lane” would be only a first step in returning the Internet to a simpler, more family-friendly time.  “People will be able to drop their expensive high-speed connections and return to dial-up,” Thrush said, “There won’t be any reason to have a 12 or 16 megabit per second pipe that only leads to a T1 backbone.  With bandwidth that limited, SPAM will virtually cease to exist overnight.”  If Thrush’s plan succeeds, he plans to petition microprocessor manufacturers Intel and AMD to return to 8-bit chips, and the newly formed Micr-Ap Corporation to return to earlier versions of iWindows, to include support for hard disks no larger than 2 gigs, and filenames of only 8 characters, with a 3-character extension.  For more on these breaking stories, visit my web site at ItsGeektoMe.co (not .com).

---

Bonus Web-only Content:

It has become something of a tradition in recent years for certain online entities to do unusual things on April 1st.  As this is the first year since I started doing It’s Geek to Me that the column’s publishing date coincided with April Fool’s Day, I just couldn’t resist writing something totally off the wall in honor of the occasion.  Unfortunately, not everyone is able to appreciate such humor without a giant disclaimer that is, in essence, a fun-extinguisher.  To ease your troubled Geek spirits, here are some classic Internet April Fool’s pranks from years past.

Online retailer ThinkGeek.com takes their Internet hoaxing very seriously.  For each of the past several years they have created a spate of bogus product advertisements on their site, which include photographs, detailed product descriptions and prices, and even phony product demonstration videos.  It’s not until the unsuspecting vict- er, customer attempts to make a purchase that they’re let in on the joke.  Some of ThinkGeek’s past hoax products include Edible Gummy iPhone cases, the Shirt Plate, and the PC EZ-Bake Oven (fits in a standard 5 1/4″ device bay!).  Personally, this Geek thinks that that Geek’s faux-stuff is just genius marketing.  Need proof?  Several of the products that were designed as April Fool’s pranks have found new life as actual products!  In a case of life imitating art imitating life, the iCade iPad Arcade Cabinet, 2D Cinema Glasses, and ThinkGeek’s exclusive Chocolate Zombie Bunny all started out as joke products.

The Independent (British publication) announced in 2010 that a second Hadron Collider was to be brought online.  Rather than using undergound tubes like the first, this one was to be built in the London Subway’s Circle Line.  (Note to my friends over at the NWFDN: Please see the disclaimer at the top of The Independent’s article!  Even the stodgy Brits have a sense of humour!)

Also in 2010 coffee king Starbucks announced in their official corporate blog the addition of two new sizes to the official Starbucks menu, the Plenta, and the Micra.  The Plenta was a 128-ounce drink for caffeine junkies who just can’t get enough, and the Micra was a tiny 2-ounce serving, for the caffiene and calorie conscious amoung us.

In 2009 Expedia.com was offering to save people literally billions of dollars by booking their future Mars excursions through Expedia.

Also in 2009, security blog TechJaws ran an announcement that Internet search portal Yahoo! had been acquired by Microsoft.  Pfffft!  As if anyone would be stupid enough to believe that one giant tech company could be bought by another. (Note to…  Oh, never mind…)

No list of Internet pranks would be complete without mentioning Google.  The Big-G Has been pranking the Internet since at least the year 2000, starting with Google’s MentalPlex.  Google asked users to stare at an animated spinning circle while envisioning what they wanted to search for. Upon clicking for a response, the user was presented with one of a series of subtly demeaning canned responses, including:

• Error 001: Weak or no signal detected. Upgrade transmitter and retry.
• Error 666: Multiple transmitters detected. Silence voices in your head and try again.
• Error 005: Searching on this topic is prohibited under international law.

You can view a complete list of Google April Fools’ pranks by clicking here.

Until next week – good luck and happy computing!

– Geek